What Reeks in Here?!

*Every episode of Game of Thrones should henceforth come with a highly detailed and meticulously annotated flowchart of how all the characters are related. Or, given the rate at which they seem to get killed, were related.

*Perfume is one of the few things that really, really irritates me. It can actually give me a ragingly savage headache in a matter of minutes. Nothing like walking into a drifting cloud of some old lady's rank miasma 15 minutes after she's gone by. Or some teenage idiot who has bathed in whatever noxious aroma is being shilled by the celebrity of the moment. Of course, I must freely admit to my own mistakes in this arena. My stench of choice when I was a teen was English Leather. Let me repeat that: English Leather. That alone should prove that I know whereof I speak, since that stuff is now classified as a hazardous material by the federal Clean Air Act. There was one time when I applied so much of it in anticipation of going out that I just about suffocated everyone riding in the car with me that night. And just as a side note, E.L. is really tenacious. One trip through the shower just really won't take care of it. Anyway, I don't care if you're male or female, regardless of what the label calls it, it's still perfume. It's not going to make you smell like some Eurotrash fashion model or the pop singer du jour. And who the hell knows what those things really smell like anyways? It's sure not gonna make me think you smell like a field of flowers in an alpine meadow after a gentle spring rain. I've never stood under the Eiffel Tower at midnight either, so I have no idea how that smells, or much less why anyone would want to smell that way. And another thing, if you do choose to wear perfume, don't keep applying the stuff until YOU can smell it. Rest assured that your nasal receptors have been burned out and your crista galli has been eroded by that shit to the point where what's left of your brain will just dribble out of your nose at some random point in time. Meanwhile, your daily perfume dosage is causing birds three blocks away to fall out of the sky stone dead. And on fire. And I don't give a damn how much it costs per spritz, or pint, or cubic kiloliter: 99.990234235% of any of it reeks to the point where pig shit would run away from it if it had legs. Or a nose. How much money you spent on it is a sign of your stupidity, not my inability to conceive of how wonderful it smells. I don't use scented deodorant, bodywash, shampoo, hairspray, detergent, or fabric softener when I can avoid it. Now, on the very, very slight chance that I feel like altering my scent profile, my choice is bay rum. It's something that in this one very highly isolated case, was good enough for grandpa, and is good enough for me.

*For those of you who haven't heard, celery is the cornerstone of a worldwide evil plot for global domination that needs to be stopped.

*Not the best day at work today. The studio is still a mess after the installation of the drafting cabinet, and it's not easy to get from one side of the room to the other. The closet doors are only half sanded and still need another coat of paint and random piles of Hawaiian shirts seem to be sprouting up here and there. Plus, I know there used to be a couch in there somewhere. The add-ons for the carving table still haven't been installed yet, and there are at least 4 projects in various stages of completion laying around. Be nice to be able to just lock myself in there until I get everything squared away. But, since I know that isn't going to happen, I'll try and make peace with the mess to the degree that I need to so I can actually get some work done.

*I figured out that I can play video games as much as I want, as long as I am walking on the treadmill while I do it. I think that's a pretty good system. Half an hour of game time gets me just over a mile of distance walked.

*Vegas? Maybe. Milwaukee? Maybe. Chicago? Maybe. Florida? Also on the maybe list. Beyond those, nothing really leaping out at me as far as good places to go in April. That is to say, as far as good places to go that I can afford without having to sell any of my internal organs to pay for the trip.

*****

Pancho Rigatoni Sings the Greatest Hits of Boxcar Willie

*Today's lucky numbers are 8, 3, 9, 0, 4, 1, 5, 2, 7, and 6, as well as any possible combination or permutation thereof.

*Today's Horoscope: You will waste your time reading a horoscope today.

*It really didn't seem that cold today. At least, from inside the house in the sunny spot next to the heating vent with the dog on my lap, it seemed like it could be somewhat tolerable outside. But then, being the idiot that I am, I actually went outside for reasons that now seem deep in the realms of the ridiculous. And then the wind hit me. Well, it wasn't so much that it hit me as it was that it forcibly stabbed it's way into each and every orifice and pore in, on, and in the immediate vicinity of my body. Then I realized how freaking cold that wind actually was, since I am indeed a genius when it comes to the blatantly obvious, and since it was somehow managing to bypass each and every single article of clothing I had on in a moderately successful attempt to flash freeze my pancreas. I must say that my pancreas was not amused by this in the least. It was that kinda wind that when it hits your face you get an instant headache, as if all that cold air, and even winter itself, was trying to force it's way into your skull just so it would have a place it could warm up for a while. Yup. Just loving that.

*Nope. Never really been a fan of radishes.

*Tinkering with the idea of getting a small wind turbine. Got a good place to put it, but the real question is how long it would take to recoup the cost of the unit and the installation in electricity costs. Guess the fact that a lot of southern DeKalb county is covered with windmills would be a favorable indicator for this type of thing being a good idea in this geographic area. Beyond that, haven't done a whole lot of research on it yet.

*Interesting. Leprosy in and of itself doesn't make any of your body parts fall off. Good to know.

*Fuck whatever tiny handed, pencil necked, sadist engineer that designed the headlight assembly of my otherwise awesome car! Fuck that whole knuckle shredding, razor and barbed wire lined, flesh eating, gateway to the 87th level of hell's south forty that holds the bulb in it's bloodthirsty, dirt and grease caked grasp! I have no idea what micro-fingered fantasy creature the whole thing was designed to be serviced by, but they sure as hell don't exist on this or any other conveniently accessed parallel dimension! What am I supposed to do, use my super secret shrink ray to make my hand small enough to fit in there? Maybe I should genetically design and train a bunch of special magic headlight bulb replacing commando weasels to do the job and then sell their services to people all around the world with normal sized hands?? Wait....it says what in the owner's manual? The end of the air intake just pops right off right behind the headlight? Seriously?? Well, shit. That's tons easier with that off......now why don't you just shut up and pass the damn Band-Aids...

****

Despair...

*We know what is best for you. Follow the plan as have the thousands and thousands of generations before you. You will be given acceptable things to enjoy. Believe all you are told by everyone without question. Fear any criticism. Fear all ridicule. Fear the unfamiliar. Understand your place.



After that, you may lie down quietly and die so that you may be forgotten.
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