Thursday, May 29, 2008

On the down side....

Aw, crap. Once again life has seen fit to pull the rug out from underneath me. Or maybe I somehow managed to pull it out from under myself (wouldn't be the first time). Yet one more example of a choice made that has been proven to be less than good, and will now take a decent amount of time to resolve. Of course now it seems perfectly obvious, but for some reason, it has taken me a few months to put all of the pieces together in the right order. And now that those pieces are indeed together, I cannot begin to truly express the degree of disgust I have for the end result.
In short, it has become clear that trying to get off my meds right now was a WAY bad decision. Universal lack of interest, low energy, retreating from everything and everyone, constant oversleeping, a list that is very familiar. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I guess the last thing that was needed was to hear Pinklady express concern that working too much overtime could push me into another depressive episode. Apparently, I was way ahead of her for once. Dammit.
Worse than that is the thought that i may, in addition to not being able to get off the meds, actually need to increase my dosage. Double dammit. Makes me feel like my brain is some kind of battery that just cant hold a charge anymore. Problem being, if this one goes dead, it's really hard to replace. Replacement aside, the restated plan is much the same as it has been for years now: exercise, sunlight, and meds.
I will refrain from saying that I'm depressed about this seeming recurrence of my depression. Unhappy, yes, but that seems to go with the territory. Disgusted, that also, but again something hard to separate from the base problem. Definitely frustrated, and that stands on its own. I made a choice to cut down on the meds, when it now seems I may have actually needed to increase them. I can be as pissed as I want, but it was still my doing, and now I just have to wait until I at least get back to where I was before to then see what needs to be done next. Dammit.

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