Thursday, January 17, 2013

Intermittent Gravy

*The new dishwasher has been installed. Yay. Our bank account is proportionately lighter for it. Boo. It is really quiet, though. Yay. But it's a dishwasher. Boo.

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*Archer season 3? Loved it.

*There does seem to be a definite "bounce" for me following a depressive episode. I'm not sure what exactly causes that to happen. Would that be considered the same as "having a moment of clarity"? It's not like I'm skipping off the walls or anything, but things do seem like they have a more positive spin. But if time and experience is any indicator, this corrosive, insidious, cumulative depression will start digging away at my mind again without me even realizing it. Maybe Erin is right and I've been misdiagnosed or am just not on the right medication, or even the right dose. Or, maybe everything is where it should be and there's just something else. Some lurking shadow. Some poison thought. Could be something that I am well aware of and either don't want to deal with, or can't. Something is undermining the treatment program for my depression. Is it a self-destructive urge with roots reaching into far corners that I'm not aware of? Maybe I just don't want to be getting my attention in the same way my old family did. What is it? Do I think, or maybe feel, that I don't deserve to be happy? Then again, is it even reasonable to think you can spend all of your time happy? How do you play off logic and emotion against each other? The quest for balance continues. Some of the old stuff has dropped away, but I'm not sure if that means I'm moving forward or just standing still. But there is that clarity of general vision for the moment. I don't know how to build up the momentum, though. Guess it was sorta wrong for me to assume that a mild winter would moderate my symptoms. So, even though I got a little further through the calendar than usual, I still bottomed out. Have to start all over in the middle of January now. Just that thought drains me a little. And the weather guy says the real winter weather is on it's way. Shit timing for me. Not quite sure how to get out from under that. Just thinking about it makes me tired in my bones. And that's when I can feel it starting to take hold again.

*No Zombie Dice at New Game in Town. Dammit. Maybe Just For Fun will have some in stock. I will admit, though, that it was a pleasant flashback to walk into the store last night and listen to the folks playing D+D. Or maybe it was Pathfinder. Can't be sure. There was a giant leech involved though.

*After doing some preliminary searching online, there  doesn't really seem to be a whole lot of real estate in the Peoria area that would suit us well. And I'm not real sure that I want to be working in Galesburg. It'll be interesting to see what Michelle has to say on the topic next month.


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